Things I Want To Remember – Dalilah, age 5

Posted on March 12, 2018 by jenn

Dear Dalilah,

You have joined the ranks of kids infesting lawns everywhere with dandelions, by making wishes and blowing on the seeds. You call them “Wish Flowers” and I hope you always do.

Speaking of cute things you say, you have stopped calling your previous daycare your “4 year old school” and started calling it your “pretty school” because I’m pretty sure you heard me refer to it as pre-school.

While we’re at it, you continue to love Santa with all of your heart. When it was Valentine’s Day, you filled out a worksheet that had Cupid on it. When I asked you who Cupid was you said “one of Santa’s reindeer! I don’t know who this guy is!”

Your new favorite song is “A Million Dreams” from the movie “The Greatest Showman.” You call the song “Dreams” and ask to listen to it every morning on our way to school. Each time we sing it together, I silently wish that you will always take me along on your adventures – even if it is only in your heart, or perhaps a memory of us singing together will pop into your mind when this song comes on your iPod.

A couple of weeks ago, we spent a couple of hours together creating “10 Feet Dragon, King of Dragons.” It was fun to see your imagination as we made him out of boxes. And being you, you created a small Christmas Tree and hid it under one of his wings.

A few weeks ago you ate a colored pencil. Yup, you read that right. A colored pencil. For the record, we later learned it was orange.

You are also afraid of falling in love, because one of your teachers told you it feels like having butterflies in your stomach. So now you feel that you have to eat butterflies to be in love, which is naturally a disturbing thought. It’s okay, you have plenty of time for this milestone – so I have yet to correct you – though I did discourage you from eating butterflies. Because, ew.

5 has probably been my favorite age with you so far. Your personality emerges; you are funny, imaginative, and loving. You leave us hundreds of notes, telling us how much you love us and I’m pretty sure that is because your amazing Daddy has been leaving you notes in the morning since you were very small. It is so neat to see you take that on and share your love with others.

Keep creating, keep smiling, keep on finding you.

Just don’t forget to take me along.

Love you first, most, forever, more,

Mommy

 

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My Dad Died

Posted on March 11, 2018 by jenn

My Dad died in November.

Throughout my life, we have had a complicated relationship. Complicated primarily by his social anxiety. For most of my life, he was a passive participant. He was in the house, he was around, but he was not actively involved. He didn’t come to the beach, or go to camp, or come to school chorus concerts.

Ever the young girl, wanting the approval of her Dad, I tried. I made cards, wrote letters, sent him mail religiously throughout my years in college and my many moves as a young adult. I know this, because I found the pile of letters he saved, each of them with a different return address from the places I’ve been. He saved them all, as near as I can tell. I suppose they meant something to him, though he never did verbalize it.

As I grew into my role of therapist, I recognized the impact of mental illness that my Dad experienced. He always refused cognitive help, choosing to manage it through anti-anxiety medication that left his personality dulled most of the time. It was those small pills, Valium, that gave him the opportunity to attend my college graduation and several years later, my wedding. These were the only two times he left Barre, Vermont. I was grateful, but resentful at the same time.Why were we not enough to want to get help?

In the last year, he fell victim to the catfishing joy of the internet in the form of a young woman and her young children from the Philippines. We had a fight over this, because he chose time and again to send them money and support them, rather than be involved with his grandchildren he professed to love. The discord led to me setting a boundary with him, and reducing my interaction. I did not stop talking to him if he reached out to me, but I did stop putting in all the effort. I stopped the alarms on my phone to call him every week, and addressing weekly letters to keep him updated. I told him he needed to try, he needed to make an effort.

And he didn’t.

For a long time, I personalized that decision. I assumed I was not enough. This was the narrative in my head – sometimes it still is. I’m trying to change the narrative – to recognize his illness as is – separate from me. Having nothing to do with me, really.

It’s hard.

And in his death, as I sort out the unbelievable mess he left behind I have to reckon with what’s left. Some of it is sadness. Some of it is anger. Some of it is sorrow that touches me so deeply when I see a picture of us, or type away on the laptop he set up for me for work. The sorrow catches me at moments that I can’t see coming, and overtakes me like a wave, leaving behind a version of me that is drenched and tired.

The place I’m trying to get to is forgiveness. Because I need to forgive him. And I need to forgive myself. So that it doesn’t feel so heavy all the time. Life is complicated, and messy, and I’m doing my best.

And I need to remember that. So I’m working on it. I’m listening to podcasts, reading books, and trying to make space to think. Think about the good, the bad, the sad, all of the moments in between – and to make room – for the forgiveness that will hopefully help start putting the pieces back together.

My Dad died in November.

And I miss him.

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Are we there yet?

Posted on July 30, 2017 by jenn

Dear Celeste,

Happy 17th birthday! I can’t imagine where this year has gone. A moment ago, you were blowing out a pile of brownies turning 16, and before that 15… and yet here we are.

You’re about to embark on your junior year of high school. Full of classes, clubs, SATs, ACTs, games, dances, and laughter. Looking at colleges, wondering, dreaming, and fearing the future all at once. Holding your childhood close, but independence is even closer.

“I find my mind wandering
Back down this old road
In my trusty time machine
My thoughts on overload
Child of mine your light still shines
Where did the time go?
It’s here there and everywhere
Always fast and never slow
And you’d say

Are we there yet?
As we drive into the sun
We are almost there my love
My innocent one
A picture perfect moment
A moment we could share
Laughter from the back seat
We’re always almost there..”

-Colin Hay

We’re almost there, Celeste. 365 days and you will be an “Adult”…. or at least you’ll be 18. But remember, you are part of a family now. You will always have our love and guidance as long as we are on this Earth. The end of high school and turning 18, isn’t really the end of anything… it’s truly a beginning. You will love, laugh, cry, scream, be heartbroken and joyful – life gives us the whole package. And we have to honor each part, because they all matter and we learn from it all.

Thank you for being part of our family. We will never regret fighting for you, advocating for you, and choosing you as our daughter. In fact, it is among the greatest decisions we’ve ever made.

We love you first, most, forever, more…

Mom and Dad

 

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This is 5

Posted on July 12, 2017 by jenn

Dear Dalilah,

Today is your 5th birthday! You have been waiting for this day for a long time! You love your birthday and look forward to it for a long time. I don’t know what 5 will bring for you, but I believe it will bring you a lot of growth and learning. After all, you start Kindergarten this year! I am nervous for you, but excited as well. I think you have the same feelings – because you aren’t sure what to expect. Just know, we are all still learning, it’s okay to make mistakes, and you are always loved.

Today had its moments of joy and hard moments too. This is an emotional age, and sometimes we don’t know how to help you with your emotions. They are often so big. We are trying to teach you to be kind, gracious, and grateful for what you have and to be thoughtful of other people’s feelings. We have more work to do. But we certainly had some fun moments watching you open presents and playing with your fun outdoor toys including a scooter, skateboard, and soccer ball with a net! I look forward to watching your skills grow.

I love you Dalilah. First, most, forever, more. Happy Birthday!

Love,

Mommy

 

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Failing

Posted on July 10, 2017 by jenn

I’m not really into failing.

I’m more the type of person that will overextend to meet the goal rather than fail.

Don’t have enough money with one job? Get more jobs.

Don’t understand something? Hit the library (or the google).

Failing just is something I like to avoid, like most people.

So… my kidneys are not on board with this plan. Which, isn’t exactly new news. After all, it was 10 years ago that I learned that my kidneys were on the same track as my Mom and my Grandmother.

It’s just that now, they’re failing failing. Like a few percentage points away from being referred to a transplant team. Like 3 percentage points to be exact.

And when I type that, it feels like all the air leaves me. I’m really, really, really tired of dealing with malfunctioning kidneys.

But, some things in life you can’t avoid. And some things in life you have to do afraid, because the fear won’t leave.

This is one of them. It could still be some time before I fall below the magical 20% kidney function line, or it could be the next time I have my blood drawn. There’s very little to do, except be very stringent with my diet – which I’m doing. Even that only controls the symptoms of failure- including high potassium (had a scare with that – heart attack, no thank you).

So I have all of these words in my head, and the need to get back to documenting. Because, there’s always a chance this goes bad – bad bad. And I just have this need to write again. To share my thoughts, to be afraid. To be brave. To document the good, bad, and in between in this life.

To fail.

And hopefully to rise again.

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Sophomore Year

Posted on August 29, 2016 by jenn

Celeste10thGrade

Dear Celeste,

Today was the first day of your sophomore year. You were so excited this morning, and I couldn’t help but take a deep breath and watch you walk into the school. You have grown leaps and bounds from 2 years ago when you walked in our door. You hold your head up high, you have confidence, your laughter comes easily and is more genuine.

Sophomore year is a year that changed my life. I had biology (as you will next semester) and was seated alphabetically next to Aunt Stacey. One day we were lab partners, and 19 years later we are family. You never know what days are going to change your life. The day I sat next to her, I sat next to the person who would get me through some hard days in my life. I sat next to the person whom I would laugh and laugh and laugh with. I sat next to the person who would save my Mom’s (Grammie’s!) life. I sat next to the person who would stand next to me at my wedding, and help me catch my breath moments before I walked down to meet Casey and say “I do.” I sat down next to the person who would love you and your sister immediately and without hesitation, because you are an extension of me and my dream to be a foster and adoptive parent.

You never know the days that will change it all – I hope this year you continue to be open to meeting new people, to developing new friendships, to practicing how to be kind, how to manage your time, and how to figure out who you really are.

Life is so way better after high school, but if you’re lucky, you are choosing people right now who will be with you along the way. And 19 years later, you’ll be remarking on the silly things you did when you were a sophomore in high school.

We love you – first, most, forever, more!

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The Season of Birthdays

Posted on August 12, 2016 by jenn

DSC_0002Dear Casey,

How did you get to be so close to 40? Happy 38, my love. This year for your birthday, we did one of your favorite things! We went camping! We took an extra day and got to stay three nights. It was a lot of fun. We discovered the lake and spent 95% of our time in the water. D and C had a great time playing, and C found her first summer love – Tyyyyyler. D made friends with his younger siblings and it was fun to watch them play. C swam out and did tons of dives off of the diving board. And we had so much fun just being together. On your birthday night we traveled into town to go to our family favorite, Chili’s! We gave you presents and spent 98% of the time explaining to D it wasn’t her birthday yet. I hope this year brings you more of these times – family love, lots of hugs, and the knowledge that you are loved beyond words by all of us. You are the best husband and Daddy. I love you.

IMG_0642Dear D,

This July you turned 4! WOW. This is so hard for me to believe. As you get bigger the saying “the days are long, but the years are short” really starts to make sense. Our days with you are full of challenges, laughter, hugs, and sometimes tears. Our years with you have flown by, and we can hardly wait until you are adopted! We hope that will be before your 5th birthday. For your birthday this year, we took you and your sister on a combined birthday trip to the mountains. We stayed in Blowing Rock, NC and visited Grandfather Mountain and Tweetsie Railroad. You rode your first fair rides and LOVED it. Your laughter and giggles will forever remain in my memory (I hope). You conquered a ropes course, with so little fear it continues to amaze me. The evening before your birthday we blew up balloons for you to wake up to, and you were excited to see them in the morning and open your presents. We then traveled to Sliding Rock – which is a natural water slide made of a giant rock waterfall. It was SO. SO. SO. cold. But you went down twice – once with your sister and then once with me. We had so much fun! We went to Applebee’s on our way home. You had a tough ride home, but we learned our lesson – no sugar for you before a 5 hour car ride!  We love you more than you’ll ever know, and cannot wait to see what 4 brings to you!

DSC_0032Dear Stacey,

I’m so glad that you will always be exactly 2 months older than me! It gives you a chance to try on this new older age and let me know how it goes. As you know, I’m excited to be heading into 34 – being an even number and all – and luckily your Mom already thinks you are 34! She’s already up to date! We wish we could have been with you on your birthday – it’s one of the things that makes me so sad living far away. I always want you to feel treasured and loved – no matter what. I hope that you could feel our love, even 1,000 miles away. I hope this year brings you lots of new adventures, new pictures to take, friends to make, and a few (several, MANY) trips to see us. We miss you so much it’s hard to even attempt to put words to it. Thank you for investing daily in our friendship and refusing to let it fade or become less than it was simply because of distance. I wish that my daughters find a friend like you to journey through life with – it has truly made all the difference in my life to have you be my side! Love you so much – since the days of Brush and Comb.

 

DSC_0049Dear Celeste,

This was a big birthday for you! SIXTEEN! Hold me closer, Tony Danza (I’ll explain later). You are growing into a sweet, kind, poised young woman – what a journey to watch! You joined us of course on your joint birthday adventure with D in the mountains. It was completed amazing to watch you conquer a high ropes course. Even though you were scared, you went forward anyway. I feel that this is big growth for you! We were so proud of you! For the day of your birthday, you had a sleepover with three of your friends! We blew up air mattresses and you took over the living room and played Mario Kart to the late hour of …. 10 pm. Yeah, we think it’s kind of lame that y’all were asleep before us. Sleepovers have clearly changed since I was your age! Haha! We had pizza, and did presents and your spent the next day playing with your new insta camera (in my days they were called Polaroids). Then Casey took you all to see Ice Age 3? 4? 5? Something like that. I can’t forget the best part – the song that Casey and I sang to you! Yes, that’s right! We changed the lyrics from Taylor Swift’s “22” and made a version just for you called “16!” Don’t worry, you can thank us later. Your friends loved it! We cannot wait to see what 16 brings you! Sophomore year, more marching band, a job perhaps, and DRIVING.. oh, driving. Let me catch my breath! It’s a pleasure to be with your on this journey, thank you for sharing yourself with us. We love you!

DSC_1176Dear Mom,

Every year we get to your birthday is one I treasure. Happy 63rd birthday! We have had way too many close calls, so I don’t take any for granted. For your birthday we surprised you! When you got home from work we had filled the house with 63 balloons and presented you with the only present that’s ever mattered – a towel warmer. Man, you love that thing! We had chinese food, and a cake made of different hues of purple. I am getting good with those layer pans! D gave you a Doc McStuffins card that sings all day long, and C made your a geometric card that was super cool. Let’s not forget – Casey’s card was really the best, for reasons I’m sure you remember. I hope you felt special and loved as you always should! I hope this year brings you new adventures, new friends, and lots of love! We love you very much.

 

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First, Most, Forever, More

Posted on April 22, 2016 by jenn

Dear D,

It’s hard to put days like today into words.

It’s been cancelled at least 3 times.

It’s been promised for over a year.

And today, I held your Daddy’s hand while the judge terminated the rights of your biological parents so that we can adopt you.

The depth and the magnitude of the joy and the sorrow in that sentence will never leave me.

Someday, we’ll talk about it more. Someday we’ll talk about how your biological parents needed help, and loved you- but couldn’t care for you the way that you deserve. Someday we will help you weave together the story that is yours, so that you can make sense of it all.

Today is not that day. You’re only 3 after all.

Today, all you know is that we went to see the judge.

And the judge said that you will be part of our family,

“First, Most, Forever, More.”

And today, that’s all that really matters.

Love,

Mommy

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Happy 10th Birthday, Skeeter!!

Posted on January 10, 2016 by jenn

Dear Skeeter,

IMG_1641People say a lot of things about you. They say you’re funny looking. They say you look like a little old man. With your charm- you win over just about everyone, within seconds. Even self proclaimed non-dog-people.

IMG_1615

You are a special dog. You have done a lot and seen a lot in your ten years! You got to come to work with me every day in your first year, and helped a lot of people get better with your gentle spirit.

skeeterwindow

You traveled across the county with us! You smelled the Grand Canyon, the Golden Gate Bridge, and the Rocky Mountains! You even watched Ol’ Faithful.

DSC_0651You are a wonderful family dog- and after 7 years, you’ve finally been able to play with kids! I think you mostly love that D feeds you under the table. But she also has endless energy to throw your toys for you. Thank you for your patience with her, and her neck choke-hold hugs.

DSC_0594I don’t know how many years we have left, my sweet boy, but I know it’s likely we have more behind us than ahead of us. Just know that I love you so much, and I’m so glad to have you by my side – and I will always be by yours.

IMG_19401Thank you for loving me so well. And all the joy you bring to so many with your silly faces, snuggles, snores, and giant kisses. We love you, Skeeter! Happy Birthday!

SkeeterIs10Happy Birthday!

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Resolutions

Posted on January 7, 2016 by jenn

I mentioned that getting back to writing is part of my New Year resolutions. I don’t typically do many of these, but here are a few Casey and I are committing to this year.

  1. Movie Nights on Fridays
  2. Game Nights Twice a Month (and keep a 2016 chart of winners, so we can have a 2016 Family Game Champion!)
  3. Working Out regularly (trying to keep this realistic, 3-4 times a week).
  4. Starting a retirement account for me (I don’t have one through my job)
  5. Going to the doctor (groooooaaannnnn)
  6. Looking into short term and long term disability insurance
  7. Writing a will once D’s adoption is finalized.
  8. Hiking 3-4 times a month until summer
  9. Beaching it 3-4 times a month when summer begins
  10. Stop working Saturdays after May

So….. kind of boring, and not life changing. And very freaking adult-y. Ew. But all stuff that needs to be done. So this will be the year of becoming a “real” adult.

Wish me luck!

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